Resting in Jesus, Part 2

I am going to be honest. Honest to you all and honest with myself and my Lord. This is a very hard thing for me to write, but I wanted to share it with you all.

For some reason, this evening I decided to take a good hard look in the mirror at myself since the surgery. I was noticing what was done and what more has to be done in the future. As I pulled my hair back, to my horror, I saw it. I saw something I never really did see (or maybe I saw before but didn't care) before. It made me upset. It made me angry. My ears are lopsided. Yes, my right ear hangs about 2 inches lower than my left. Now, I did know for the longest time that my ears weren't in symmetry, but for some reason....today, it hit me harder than it ever had. I'm not sure if it's the drugs I'm on or my being "bored" or what. Certainly Satan had a BIG GRIP on me. I've never let my looks affect my way of thinking or let other people's comment affect me in anyway. For the most part, I've been content and ungrudging go through surgeries. However, tonight was different. For some reason, my looks affected my thinking greatly! I saw how lopsided my ears were and how noticeable it was and it made me cry. I've always been one for not being vain in beauty. I've never been one to wear makeup or style my hair, etc to impress a boy or whatever. In fact, it appalls me when these movie stars or rich people go in for unnecessary plastic surgery. I've always thought it to be a sign of discontentment. But this affected me really hard tonight. I kept thinking there is no way the doctors can repair this because of the anatomy of my eardrum. They can't make it in symmetry to the other ear...it's impossible. I knew that because my mom had asked that to the doctor one time and it can't be done. Like I said, I knew since I was a kid how one ear was lower than the other, but it just affected me to the "nth" degree tonight.....I thought I looked horrible. I thought I look hideous. I though about "what do others think of me when they see me??" I thought in the negative........and I know it was displeasing to my Father. My attitude of disgust toward rich people / movie stars who want to look beautiful (and going through unnecessary make over surgeries; feelings of discontentment of how they look) was clearly lost. I wanted to look normal.......I didn't want my ears to be lopsided. I was drowning in self pity. (on a side note, I totally understand and support those who really do need reconstructive surgery due to unforeseen circumstances. I just think that having surgeries just to make one prettier is vain...but that's my view and you can disagree with me if you want).

But, tonight, I found myself in the "vain" category. I was not content how Jesus made me. I didn't like what I saw and it bothered me. I wondered "why does these tumor affect me in such harsh ways." I know that this is not the end....for as i get older, the tumors will continually grow and may even cause more distortion. But what I saw in that mirror made me upset and angry. It made me think about all other surgeries that lie ahead of me and it made me think that others will laugh at how silly I must look (and yes, I have had many strangers do that as well as commenting inappropriate statements). I thought about how scary I must look to some people.... I was worried about what man will think...........I never thought about what JESUS thinks!

That's when I came back to reality. Satan tried to pull me away, but thankfully, God helped me and brought me back to reality. And the reality is, no one is perfect except God. The reality is God has a perfect reason why things happen. God's glory will always be shown and His plan will be brought about. Yes, I often wonder why I was born the way I was and why all my life I've struggled physically. Yes, when things don't go smooth for me, I question God's sovereignty and doubt God's love. That is what I was doing this evening. When I looked myself in the mirror and saw "ugly"; God saw beauty....He saw beauty because of His Love for me. When I question "how can anyone love someone like me?, God speaks to me by having me recall Scripture and songs that remind me of God's love and faithfulness. (Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever..Psm 118:1), ("Amazing love how can it be, that You my King should die for ME?" ). I love how the right Scripture verses come into your heart and ministers to you, or how you suddenly sing a song, realizing it is really a reminder to you.

I once again, tonight, sang Jesus I Am Resting Resting. Once that moment of "ugly terror" and untruth was defeated, I realized the depth of God's Love. I began to understand and believe once again that the most important thing I can do in this life is to rest solely on Christ. That is all that matters. It doesn't matter how I look or who loves me. It doesn't matter what kind of work God calls me to do or what trials God put me through. What matters, is that my faith rest solely on HIM and HIM ALONE. Knowing that, I shouldn't care what strangers say about me. I shouldn't worry about how I look or whether someone will love me. I was reminded once again tonight that because I rest on Him, my GOD LOVES ME. That is most important...........that is what matters to me.