Hold on to Jesus

Today I was remembering some of the things my nieces do when we go and visit them. A few weeks ago, we were in Richmond when the hurricane came through. The winds were strong and the rain was heavy. My nieces were concerned about the water and was especially concerned about the fallen tree in the backyard. Both of my nieces clung tightly to my Mom and all my Mom could say is "it's okay....God is with us"

As I remember that day, I can't help but to think to myself how important it is to cling to Christ. I remembered how tightly my nieces clung to someone they trust and I thought to myself "Do I really cling to Christ as I am suppose too?" I know at times, I don't. I think I don't need Him during my days when I'm not feeling well. I get angry when I'm feeling nauseated and in pain; I get angry when I can't get into see my doctor when I want to; I get angry when I see other people enjoy and participate in things I wish I had the stamina to do. I feel upset when I'm too sick to head to church or I feel embarrassed when I sleep the morning away. Does clinging to Christ mean one can't have these feelings of anger, doubt, or worry? I really don't know!

For the past several weeks, I have not been having the best of days; I've struggled more so with my nausea and stomach pain and have been to the ER once already this month. Nothing seems to work; the pain meds, the anti-nausea meds...nothing seems to want to give me some relief. I've started down that road again of not being able to keep much down at one time. If I eat, I get nauseated; if I drink fluids, I get nauseated. The doctors don't understand what can be causing all these problems, aside from my diagnosis of gastroperesis..... that (according to the doctors) isn't the only reason I'm experiencing all this pain and nausea. It's frustrating not knowing the cause and it is so frustrating that whenever I go to the doctor or ER out of extreme pain, there is no cure; no answers, just another script for pain medicine. I don't want to be dependent on the pain meds, but in all reality, that is really one of the only things that can keep me functioning to some degree. This past week since the first of the month, I haven't been able to eat a normal sized meal and keep it down; my nausea is so severe, I have thrown up on several occasions. My fear is that I will end up in the hospital again (like I did last year) for mal-nurishment and dehydration. I don't want to go through that again. Hospitals aren't much fun, and I'm praying it won't come to that. I find myself continually struggling with my conscious and how I am suppose to deal with this illness in a Christian matter. There are days when I just feel like letting go. There are days I feel like I just want this to all end and my body to be perfected. I am wrestling. Wrestling with the Devil and his cohorts. I'm wrestling to remember and believe that God, in His mighty power, will always be there and be my rock and comfort. I listened to one of the songs from Steven Curtis Chapman entitled "Hold on to Jesus"

I have come to this ocean

And the waves of fear are starting to grow

The doubts and questions are rising with the tide

So I'm clinging to the one sure thing I know

I will hold on to the hand of my Savior

And I will hold on with all my might

I will hold loosely to things that are fleeting

And hold on to Jesus

I will hold on to Jesus for life

I've tried to hold many treasures

They just keep slipping through my fingers like sand

But there's one treasure that means more than breath itself

So I'm clinging to it with everything I am

Like a child holding on to a promise

I will cling to His word and believe

As I press on to take hold of that

For which Christ Jesus took hold of me

Hold on for life

Trying to remember to hold on to Jesus and never let go is a heart matter. I know this in my mind but struggle with it in my heart. I can be reminded by many wonderful people, but there are days my heart doesn't want to hear it. I wonder what is it that I have done to deserve all this health issues (which probably stems from a long history of past church experience when I was younger...and sometimes those "fears" embedded in your heart/brain never goes away).My health issues affect me physically; which leads to emotional hardship. But I am grateful. I'm grateful for friends who hear me cry my heart, I am thankful for hugs and snuggles from the kids at the day care when I can work, I am thankful for parents who take care of me and takes me to the ER late at night; but most of all, I'm grateful for MY GOD whom I need to remember to always hold on to. God has a purpose; though I may not know it. His purposes and His will are not always meant to be understood. Prayers are not always meant to be answered, but one thing is constant and sure, and that is that God is ultimately in control of my life; and I know, no matter what the situation is, I have a place in Heaven reserved just for me.