Holding on to Memories, Not the Heartaches
Let me first start by saying THANK YOU to everyone who has kept me in their thoughts and prayers over the last three weeks as my grandmother was in the hospital when I traveled up to NY, traveled back down, and went back up for the funeral. I definitely felt your prayers and love.
This past Sunday and Monday, April 14th and April 15th were the longest two days I've felt in quite a long time. I was confused what day it was; I was confused what time it was, I was, at times, so disoriented. It was crazy. And with my physically not feeling well, the emotionally toll didn't help much either.
Instead of going through all the details, which will take every page of a notebook to fill, I will just give the highlights of what happened this past week. Chinese funerals is different in some ways than a traditional American funeral. It's a long process which can be pretty draining physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Sunday was our family and friends night. It was so nice to so many family and friends who cared so much for my grandmother. A lot of the people who came to my grandfather's funeral 3 years ago was there at my grandmother's funeral. Two of my Dad's brothers even come to the funeral, which I thought was very nice. It was a hard day for me, but so thankful that whenever I felt very heavy hearted and sad about my grandmother, I would get out of that depressed feeling in many different ways. For example, my "birthday twin" cousin (great nephew to my grandmother), Vinny and I were talking about grandma when I was about to breakdown in tears again. He hugged me so tight and helped remind me about the good times with grandma. He reminded me of what a great and caring woman she was and helped me focus on the good times. At one point he got me laughing. He was reminiscing with me (and telling stories to his wife) about the few times he and his sister, Loraine and their parents came down to VA when were weren't even teenagers. We used to go to the lake, etc. We also remember getting into trouble with my uncle for playing inside the car----oooops! We both remembered that one summer they came down so that Vinny and I could celebrate our birthdays together.....after all he is only 3 hrs older than me! That was so long ago! it was nice to be able to remember back to our childhood (although we both kept saying how old we feel now!) I thought it was so therapeutic for me to hear good things and it helped me so much. Even though I wasn't feeling well (that is, NONE of my two pain medication was working very well), I really felt the presence of loved ones and especially the Love of God and the Prayers of his Saints around me that day. So again, THANK YOU; The family dinner (in Chinese custom) was vegetarian, which mean lots of yummy gluten "mock" meat products (yes, I'm being cynical to those who know of my gluten intolerance.....I ate a few bites, but at more veggies, but still the gluten seep into the veggies).
On Monday, the burial took place, the only really hard part was that I had to look away when the casket was lowered to the ground. One by one, each of us threw a black silk sash, a rose, a hair sash (the family members), rose, and rice and pennies, inside the grave (others did only the last 2). We ended that day as a "celebratory dinner". Food was good this time, Most of it wasn't gluten but at least I was able to eat something. Both days were really long and rough. Both days were confusing that at times, I really didn't know my day from nights or even what day of the week it was. It didn't help that physically I wasn't doing well. My pain was off the chart; my meds decided not to work for some reason; but again, God got me through both days through prayers and faith.
Two pictures that was found of my cousins, my sister, and myself were found in my grandmother's belongings when my Aunt Maypo and my Mom was trying to find clothes for my grandma to be buried:
My grandparent Lau's (Mom's parents' house:
It's hard to believe our travels up to NY will be slim now that my grandma has passed away. It's sad that my last grandparent has passed away. I'm glad though that my relationship with my aunts and uncles and cousins are close enough that I know it will remain strong.
A quick story:
Many of you may be close to your grandmother or any of your grandparents for any particular reason. I was close to all my grandparents. I vaguely remember my grandfather Leung, since he passed away in '82 and I had just turned 3. My grandmother Leung passed away in '92, and my Grandfather Lau passed away not long ago in 2010. Anyhow, I had a close relationship with my grandma because she's always been there for me. She's made countless trips down to VA whenever I had surgery (when I was young, probably around 4-10 yrs old or so). She took such great care of me (and the whole family). I remember she made my favorite foods; and she made it in such a way that I was able to eat it. Often I was on a strict soft food diet and she knew that, but she was able to make the food and cut it up and soften it up to where all I had to do was put it in my mouth and barely chew it. She would make my favorite soups and broths (and to this day, no one can make it like hers). Not only my grandma would come, but so did my great-grandmother as well. I think she came to help out my Mom as well as for the visit too. You can see why I'm very close to my grandma.
So, when my grandma was in the hospital, I questioned everything the nurse did or the doctors talked about. The nurses knew me by name. One time a nurse said "you are a very involved granddaughter." I apologized to the nurse for asking and/or questioning what they did, but the nurse assured me that she thought it was really good and sweet of me to ask and a sweet gesture and called me a 'devoted' granddaughter and that she wished more grandchildren would come visited the elderly. I assured her that I wasn't questioning the skill of t he nurse or medication but I just didn't want what ever medication given to her or something being done to her be unnecessary or I just wanted to know what was going on. When in the hospital, it was hard leaving her side. I wanted to be there all the time until visiting hours were over and even then it was hard to leave. My Auntie Maypo had a hard time to convince me to get away and sit in the cafeteria to get a snack. I would cry when I had to just leave her for just 30 min for a snack. When everyone left to the cafeteria for a snack or a "rest", I would be by her side to make sure there was a translator in case she needed one. Even when she was asleep, I would be by her side, at times, sobbing quietly, praying for a miracle.
So, you see, Grandma just wasn't my grandmother. As a child until now (and always), she was and always will be someone I looked up too. She was always there for me. Always, selfless, giving, caring, and loving. Always made my favorite foods as a child and even whenever we came up to visit. She took care of me and my family when I was child and underwent major surgery. And although she is gone, all those keepsakes she kept, all those pictures she kept, those little things we brought home that was once my grandparents' things (that my Mom has put away in the hutch/China cabinet) , We will always and forever cherish those things, but most of all remember my grandparents.
This past Sunday and Monday, April 14th and April 15th were the longest two days I've felt in quite a long time. I was confused what day it was; I was confused what time it was, I was, at times, so disoriented. It was crazy. And with my physically not feeling well, the emotionally toll didn't help much either.
Instead of going through all the details, which will take every page of a notebook to fill, I will just give the highlights of what happened this past week. Chinese funerals is different in some ways than a traditional American funeral. It's a long process which can be pretty draining physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Sunday was our family and friends night. It was so nice to so many family and friends who cared so much for my grandmother. A lot of the people who came to my grandfather's funeral 3 years ago was there at my grandmother's funeral. Two of my Dad's brothers even come to the funeral, which I thought was very nice. It was a hard day for me, but so thankful that whenever I felt very heavy hearted and sad about my grandmother, I would get out of that depressed feeling in many different ways. For example, my "birthday twin" cousin (great nephew to my grandmother), Vinny and I were talking about grandma when I was about to breakdown in tears again. He hugged me so tight and helped remind me about the good times with grandma. He reminded me of what a great and caring woman she was and helped me focus on the good times. At one point he got me laughing. He was reminiscing with me (and telling stories to his wife) about the few times he and his sister, Loraine and their parents came down to VA when were weren't even teenagers. We used to go to the lake, etc. We also remember getting into trouble with my uncle for playing inside the car----oooops! We both remembered that one summer they came down so that Vinny and I could celebrate our birthdays together.....after all he is only 3 hrs older than me! That was so long ago! it was nice to be able to remember back to our childhood (although we both kept saying how old we feel now!) I thought it was so therapeutic for me to hear good things and it helped me so much. Even though I wasn't feeling well (that is, NONE of my two pain medication was working very well), I really felt the presence of loved ones and especially the Love of God and the Prayers of his Saints around me that day. So again, THANK YOU; The family dinner (in Chinese custom) was vegetarian, which mean lots of yummy gluten "mock" meat products (yes, I'm being cynical to those who know of my gluten intolerance.....I ate a few bites, but at more veggies, but still the gluten seep into the veggies).
On Monday, the burial took place, the only really hard part was that I had to look away when the casket was lowered to the ground. One by one, each of us threw a black silk sash, a rose, a hair sash (the family members), rose, and rice and pennies, inside the grave (others did only the last 2). We ended that day as a "celebratory dinner". Food was good this time, Most of it wasn't gluten but at least I was able to eat something. Both days were really long and rough. Both days were confusing that at times, I really didn't know my day from nights or even what day of the week it was. It didn't help that physically I wasn't doing well. My pain was off the chart; my meds decided not to work for some reason; but again, God got me through both days through prayers and faith.
This is the picture we used at her funeral; we also used the same dress to burry her. It was one of her favorite dresses.
Tuesday, my Mom and I spent the day cleaning out some things in my grandma's home. At first, (because I wasn't feeling well), I didn't want help clean out things. Honestly, I think a lot of it was that I wasn't ready to face reality and I didn't want to face more emotional hurt. I was also physically hurting as well. But I decided to just do it. I forced myself to just get off the couch or out of the bed. and help my Mom go through my grandma's things; I'm so glad I did. I found so many keepsakes and mementos. We found a lot of pretty clothes that none of use will ever fit, but we donated it to a thrift shop that was a block away from my grandmother's house. We found old pictures of my Mom, aunt, and uncle when they were young, we found old pictures when my sister and I were babies, and when my sister, my cousins, and myself were children (not even in our teens). And we found things that we had no earthly idea what it was! One thing I did request to take for myself was the ceramic panda family they had for over 30 years. I've loved this ceramic panda since I was young. I love pandas. I took it home with me and it's now in a special place in my room. When China sent over Ming Ming and Ling Ling, to the Washington National Zoo for everyone to enjoy, my grandparents got a hold of a porcelain panda family shortly after the cub was born and before they were taken back to China.
Finally, Wednesday comes. In Chinese tradition, you visit the cemetery on the third day; so that is what we did. After visiting the cemetery, having lunch, going through some stuff at the house, passing through China town (to get some on the go dinner) to get to Holland Tunnel, we finally got on the road to home (VA) by 6pm. We got home at 3am, and yes we were and still are very tired. I'm still struggling physically, but I have got to say that being back home and in my own bed is definitely improving parts of my health.
My grandparent Lau's (Mom's parents' house:
A quick story:
Many of you may be close to your grandmother or any of your grandparents for any particular reason. I was close to all my grandparents. I vaguely remember my grandfather Leung, since he passed away in '82 and I had just turned 3. My grandmother Leung passed away in '92, and my Grandfather Lau passed away not long ago in 2010. Anyhow, I had a close relationship with my grandma because she's always been there for me. She's made countless trips down to VA whenever I had surgery (when I was young, probably around 4-10 yrs old or so). She took such great care of me (and the whole family). I remember she made my favorite foods; and she made it in such a way that I was able to eat it. Often I was on a strict soft food diet and she knew that, but she was able to make the food and cut it up and soften it up to where all I had to do was put it in my mouth and barely chew it. She would make my favorite soups and broths (and to this day, no one can make it like hers). Not only my grandma would come, but so did my great-grandmother as well. I think she came to help out my Mom as well as for the visit too. You can see why I'm very close to my grandma.
So, when my grandma was in the hospital, I questioned everything the nurse did or the doctors talked about. The nurses knew me by name. One time a nurse said "you are a very involved granddaughter." I apologized to the nurse for asking and/or questioning what they did, but the nurse assured me that she thought it was really good and sweet of me to ask and a sweet gesture and called me a 'devoted' granddaughter and that she wished more grandchildren would come visited the elderly. I assured her that I wasn't questioning the skill of t he nurse or medication but I just didn't want what ever medication given to her or something being done to her be unnecessary or I just wanted to know what was going on. When in the hospital, it was hard leaving her side. I wanted to be there all the time until visiting hours were over and even then it was hard to leave. My Auntie Maypo had a hard time to convince me to get away and sit in the cafeteria to get a snack. I would cry when I had to just leave her for just 30 min for a snack. When everyone left to the cafeteria for a snack or a "rest", I would be by her side to make sure there was a translator in case she needed one. Even when she was asleep, I would be by her side, at times, sobbing quietly, praying for a miracle.
So, you see, Grandma just wasn't my grandmother. As a child until now (and always), she was and always will be someone I looked up too. She was always there for me. Always, selfless, giving, caring, and loving. Always made my favorite foods as a child and even whenever we came up to visit. She took care of me and my family when I was child and underwent major surgery. And although she is gone, all those keepsakes she kept, all those pictures she kept, those little things we brought home that was once my grandparents' things (that my Mom has put away in the hutch/China cabinet) , We will always and forever cherish those things, but most of all remember my grandparents.
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