It's a roller coaster.....and I just want to get off

These past couple weeks has been a whirlwind of pain; both physically, emotionally, and mentally.  It's been rough.  I've cried, and sometimes I just feel numb.   I sometimes feel lonely, and other times I just need my space.  It's a roller coaster.....and  I just want to get off.

 

It was Easter weekend.  I was spending the long weekend with my best friend and "sister" Gina.  It had been a really fun weekend.  We went to the Good Friday service together.  We also wanted to do scrapbooking together and she wanted me to give her some pointers and ideas about scrapbooking.   It is so much fun to scrapbook together.   We both went to Disney World together November 29-December 2, 2012 so we both wanted to scrapbook our memories together but also put our own creative memories into our scrapbooks.   On Saturday before Easter,  we did things here and there in the morning.   With the help of her brother Jonathan, I was able to get her out of her apartment, while I quickly decorated her living/dining area for an early birthday party.  I ordered her a Washington Redskins cake...it was football field with Redskins decal things on the cake.   I was so glad she enjoyed it.  Her second family, the Slaters, was in on the secret and was there as well to  celebrate.

 

That same evening, we continued to do scrapbooking; we didn't do much because we both wanted to get enough sleep so we could wake up early in the morning so we could go the Sunrise service at 6:30am at our church.  As I was turning off the lights and getting ready, my cell phone rings and my Mom's number shows up.   She tells me to come EARLY the next day because my grandma had be taken to the ER for labored breathing.  My grandmother has been fighting cancer for 4 months After a while, Mom said it's best for me to come home that evening (at that time it's 10pm).

We left Easter Sunday to go up to NY to see my grandmother.  The first couple of days she seemed okay.  The doctors thought the breathing difficulty was due pneumonia; later it was determined that the cancer was causing the breathing issues.   I was going through a really rough time physically there in NY; but I visited her as much as I could;  I could not leave her side when I did visit; it was very hard to leave her when we left the hospital, especially when she got moved to the palliative care center.  She had to be moved there because she was deteriorating quickly and that unit had nurse to patient care of 1:1.

It was an emergency trip up and Mom told me to pack clothes for 2 or three days, so I didn't anticipating a long stay in NY  (originally Dad and I were going to go home Tuesday 4/2, and Mom was going to take LOA.  However, my parents thought that about the inconvenience of public transit we all stayed longer than planned.  Anyways, I had run about of my daily medications by the time Friday morning came.  Dad also had to go back to work this week.   We got home Saturday night (4/6).   Mom called us on Saturday evening that grandma wasn't doing well and that the doctor had put her on a continuous IV drip of pain medicine and that she only had a couple days left.   On Sunday night, shortly after 6pm, my grandma passed away.   It was the hardest phone called I received from my Mom.  My heart was sad, hurt, angry, and broken.  I kept thinking "if only I had packed more medication so I didn't have to go home.....If only I was physically well enough to stay in NY"   I had so many "if only's" statements.

It's not been easy.  My emotions and mental status has been off and on.  I find myself having up and down moments.   There are days when I want to lock my self inside a room and just cry, and get "away" from everyone and everything.  There are days when I feel lonely and need someone to take me away or be with me just to talk or even just pray for me and with me.  A dear friend (Julie and her 4 yr old daughter) came to visit Tuesday (4/9) me I really needed that.  I really needed to share my heart and have hugs; I really needed someone to pray with me and for me.  I needed that avenue where I could open up and be honest with myself and my feelings.   There are days when I need people in my life who aren't family; I need to "get away" and spend time with my friends who I love, like family, such as my "sister" Gina.   I was able to do that this past Wednesday night (4/10), as we celebrated her real birthday (which is the 11th)

So my Dad and I head back to NY tomorrow, (4/13) to for the funeral on Sunday/Monday.  The long trip up and back will be rough on my physically.   It will be rough on me emotionally as well and as you know, emotions affect you physically too.  I'm still not feeling well physically and I'm praying the pain won't affect me too much.   I'm putting everything to God and trusting in Him





 This picture was taken in 2010, when my Uncle and Aunt Wong, my cousins and her family, my parents and me went for a 10 day cruise to the Western Caribbean.  This was our second cruise with my grandmother.  I will always treasure this picture; I think it is one of my favorite pictures of us.  I will miss her so much.