Frustrations: Disconnection Am I Being Heard? Or Can I Hear God?

One of the things we automatically do as human beings is that we put ourselves in to a rut….a schedule.   We get out of bed, we head for our morning cup of coffee or tea with breakfast,  wash up for the day and head to our morning chores (or whatever order you put it in)..   For years, this has been my pattern.   My day would start off with coffee in my hand, heading then heading out to door to work or school.  Maybe I would throw in some ingredients in a crockpot for dinner so it will be ready when I would return from work..   Well, as you all know, the “rut of life” changed back in 2010 when I became ill and unable to work. “WHY GOD….WHY ME?” was (and honestly at times STILL IS) my constant question.   Questions after questions encompassed my brain….EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  It continues to encompass my brain as I continue to physically decline with a great amount of other physical issues showing up….increased pain everywhere and sometimes pain just suddenly arising with no triggers at all.   UVA Pain Clinic offering no help.   Now I’m seeing a neurologist for head pains and stomach pains, as the GI doctors no clue what is going on. What is causing my illness, Lord?  What are the explanations for the cycles of pain?  Why is it that new developments seem to arise; and even those new developments have no answers?  I’m frustrated, Lord, I’m just tired of it all! Tired of the fatigue, tired of the medications, tired of doctor’s visit just to hear “we  can’t figure it out”.  Just tired. Tired.

My daily rut/schedule is unpredictable at times.   Sure I can give you an idea of my day, but I can promise that I can stick to it.   I can say “yes I will see you at “x’oclock” and when it is an hour or even a half an hour before, I can suddenly have excruciating pain, fatigue, etc  and have to cancel a get together or whatever plan I have/had going on.      Sometimes I feel as if I’m so disconnected from the world around me.  I pray about this a lot and hope people understand when I do have to cancel and understand how real and frustrating this sickness really is to me.   Sometimes, the pain itself is not a snap of the figure take a pill cure all sickness.   Probably my worst attack was during my grandmother’s funeral back in April.  The gestures of friends and distant family of wanting to get me food and beverages were very sweet and full of love and compassion.  I didn't have the heart to tell them that the sickness and pain wasn't because I was hungry; I ate a little out of kindness and shared some with the rest of the family.   The distant family and friends at the funeral is by far the sweetest "family like" people in the world. 

Since the sickness with my grandmother and up to know, I’ve been so frustrated with myself (spiritually) as well as with God.   As my heart is very closed right now and I’ve only shared the deepest thoughts with my pastor of Worship, Burress and my BESTEST friend and “sister”, Gina,   I’ve shared a little with another dear friend of my who is on the worship team and who has shown such great interest and care for me.  I will show you a glimpse into my heart.  

I talk much about my physical sickness and frustrations, and depressions that the doctors can’t figure out what is going on with me physically.  It’s mind boggling and I'm constantly discouraged and at times losing a lot of faith.    But recently, it just hasn’t been about my physical status.   It’s my spiritual status.   Since my grandmother’s death and along that time my health has gotten worse, my heart and mind has gotten so disjointed.   I can’t seem to “HEAR” God through reading of HIS WORD.  I read my Bible and I don’t seem to understand or get anything out of it.  I go to church and hear the gospel being preached and I don’t understand it.  WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME???   I was assured that I’m at a normal place in my life and “that’s okay”.   There’s other ways to have devotions and quiet time with God, even if it’s just reading one verse at a time or one section of the chapter at a time…..or even if it means listening (or singing) to music

 Music is so powerful.  I definitely hear God through music.  Being a Member on Worship Team is a commitment and you must be pretty dedicated.   What I love about it is that you get to have time to really study the words the songs; I’m not saying study as in memorizing the song, although I’m sure if you are on worship team for a long period of time, you would eventually know the words to the songs; but I mean study the meanings of the songs.   I want to know what the writer’s point was when he was writing the lyrics.    Most of all, the songs are all about Jesus and nothing else; I seem to really understand God more through music and I can’t wait till we get to Heaven to finally be able to sing with Jesus non stop!

Storms are powerful.    The past two weeks we have had a few big storms (at least where I live).  LOUD thunder, downpour rain, little hail, lightning, strong winds, etc.   I first shared my broken heart three weeks ago; no more than 4 days later, we had a huge thunderstorm.   I was in my room doing scrapbooking and thought to myself, excitedly “LORD, I CAN HEAR YOU!” It was such an amazing feeling.  (note:  no, I’m not a huge fan of thunderstorms, especially when it wakes me up at night).   Just that thunder reminded me that even though at times I can’t hear God in His Word, or in my prayers, in my asking Him for answers to my health issues, etc,  I know he is near.    It’s okay to be frustrated,  but it’s also a great reminder about how thunder is one of God’s many ways to remind us that He IS NEAR and will NEVER Forsake us.  So, all in all, I try through my frustrations, I want to hear God.