Always in Need of Him

Another test----clear, negative.   Good news, yes.  Thankful.  Yes.    Frustrated still.....yes.

I continue to face chronic pain and it's debilitating effects it has on me.  Sometimes it makes my whole world stop and frankly, I hate it.   These past 2 weeks  has been a odd week for me.   I've had a re-occurrence of severe nausea and pain that has led me to eating a lot less and when I do eat, it is painful.  I drink fluids when I can, what I can, but because of how icky it makes me feel, I've not been very good in my food diet.    On Thursday, I started to have a different pain in my upper mid abdomen that was bothering me but I've had that before and nothing came out of it; Friday it got worse and move to my back, I was running only a mild fever, but it didn't warrant my protocol to go to the ER.  Just popped in some Vicodin (that my pcp gives me for pain)  and hoped for a night's rest.  Finally on Saturday still had a mild fever, bad pain so my Mom asked me  (ok told me) to go to the Augusta Urgent Care, affiliated with Augusta Hospital.     I figured it was only either a UTI or a Kidney infection, so I went a head and went, but when I got there, the doctor who checked me out was very concerned and sent me to the ER.   Once I got to the ER, I called my folks to meet me there; I was figuring on waiting in the waiting room, but apparently I was a real emergency and all they did was ask me my full name and chief complaint,  slap a name bracelet and allergy bracelet on me and sent me "flying" into a bed.   I was NOT thrilled with the IV they had to put in, but to get the nausea medication and pain medication was worth it in the long run.   Long story, short, again there wasn't anything definitive going on that was causing my fever and extreme pain (not even any sort of infection).  I was beyond frustrated.   

 

These are the days that are really weary for me.  Days when pain spikes, nausea increases, and then sudden bouts of not being able to eat well.  Of course, going to the ER too  (Oh, I was still planning on singing on worship team on Sunday, until my ER doctor gave me orders to  rest in bed for a day and drink liquids......yeah, not in my plans apparently; but gotta follow those doctor rules)   I'm constantly asking "why the pain?"   "What are the answers?"  "Where should I go from here?"    I know I'm in constant need of God all the time in my life, not just in sorrow or in pain, or in sickness or health; but also in the good times.    I was reflecting upon that this morning when I was texting a friend about how frustrated....and most of all helpless and hopeless I felt.  I am going through my own trial and seeing another dear dear friend going through her trial; I told her how much I hate it and how unfair I it is.    Then she made me realize all we can do is pray; it made me realize too that praying means "wow, I NEED GOD", not just in the bad, but all the time.    All day,  I was singing this song:

 

 

 

It's so easy to tell my friends who are walking a difficult path that God knows best and He will carry you through it; and in the end, He will be glorified.   Yet, it's so  hard to believe that myself as I go through the physical challenges which affects me in many ways emotionally as well.  God sees us through.....in His Time.   As for now, I will keep singing  "God, I need You Now".