My Hope, My Comforter
The past few days (meaning since Saturday), has been really rough on me physically as well as emotionally.....ok, ok, you got me; the past WEEK was more emotionally draining on me but the past few days was more physically draining on me.
In my last post I shared with you about how VBS was very therapeutic for me. It really was and I'm so glad that I went. I'm also still very much at peace about my decision about staying here at the States this year instead of going to East Asia for the missions trip. But there is one thing I didn't share with you that was a hard thing that my heart was going through last week during VBS. The same day, I sent an email about to the leader about my decision of not going to East Asia, I received a Facebook message that a dear sweet friend of the family passed away. He was too young to pass away. Kirk is the son of my honorary grandparents, Warren and Erma Johnson, whom I have written about a few times on my blog. Kirk lived in Florida and worked in Disney World. (Now,whenever I see Mickey Mouse, I will see Kirk's face). When my friend Gina and I went there last November, we were suppose to meet up with him to have dinner with him, but unfortunately, he was sick and in the hospital. The last time I saw him was last June (2012), at Erma's funeral; that was the last time I got to give him a hug and say "I love you". (Lesson: always make it a point to say "I love you" to all your loved ones). Through the magical world of FB, we kept in contact with each other. When I heard he passed away, I wasn't sure if I could get through VBS along with my pain; but God saw me through it.
I continue to fight this battle of increased pain in my abdominal area and head/neck area. The pain in my abdominal area is still a mystery to my GI doctor and my pain management doctor. My head and neck area continues to get worse and my very caring neurologist is working hard on trying to target what is causing the worsening symptoms. I can honestly tell you that I'm not very happy with increased medication or with upcoming PT, but I guess I'll take what I have to do to make things better. My abdominal pain is a mystery and sometimes the pain onset affects me so badly. At times I can't even eat and the nausea is horrible; yet every GI test so far is negative. My neurologist is somewhat working with me on my abdominal pain as well to see if it is correlating with my head pain. He's working around my medication to see if that will help as well; he's also a little concerned about my abrupt drop in weight which is not good.
This past Saturday, my parents and I got up to get ready to go to Richmond to spend time with my sister and her family. Our plan was to leave around 8:30 or so, By the time 8am rolled around, my Mom woke me up. I wasn't feeling well the night before; my head was hurting; my neck was hurting, my stomach was hurting, and I was so sick to my stomach....I rolled out of bed, washed up, put on some clothes, popped in my morning meds and took some Vicodin and decided I wasn't in the mood to eat anything at all. I got into the car, where I fell back to sleep until we got to Richmond (which is odd because I normally don't sleep well in the car). The entire day through Sunday none of the symptoms wore off; pain scale was a 15 out of a 10.
Today, I woke up feeling "okay" and had to do some errands with my Mom. When we got back about a little less than 2 hrs later, I immediately had to go get my pain meds. I started to cry. I told Mom I felt so hopeless that I can't even do simple errands without having pain afterwards. I felt that I was getting worse each time and not any better and it was just so frustrating. It's so depressing. I feel hopeless at time. I feel despondent. Sometimes I wonder if God ever hears my prayers of healing, of when my SSDI hearing will take place, etc.
So my heart breaks and I feel as if I loose hope. When I have no words to pray, I use songs as my prayer. Today this verse was my prayer:
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
In my last post I shared with you about how VBS was very therapeutic for me. It really was and I'm so glad that I went. I'm also still very much at peace about my decision about staying here at the States this year instead of going to East Asia for the missions trip. But there is one thing I didn't share with you that was a hard thing that my heart was going through last week during VBS. The same day, I sent an email about to the leader about my decision of not going to East Asia, I received a Facebook message that a dear sweet friend of the family passed away. He was too young to pass away. Kirk is the son of my honorary grandparents, Warren and Erma Johnson, whom I have written about a few times on my blog. Kirk lived in Florida and worked in Disney World. (Now,whenever I see Mickey Mouse, I will see Kirk's face). When my friend Gina and I went there last November, we were suppose to meet up with him to have dinner with him, but unfortunately, he was sick and in the hospital. The last time I saw him was last June (2012), at Erma's funeral; that was the last time I got to give him a hug and say "I love you". (Lesson: always make it a point to say "I love you" to all your loved ones). Through the magical world of FB, we kept in contact with each other. When I heard he passed away, I wasn't sure if I could get through VBS along with my pain; but God saw me through it.
I continue to fight this battle of increased pain in my abdominal area and head/neck area. The pain in my abdominal area is still a mystery to my GI doctor and my pain management doctor. My head and neck area continues to get worse and my very caring neurologist is working hard on trying to target what is causing the worsening symptoms. I can honestly tell you that I'm not very happy with increased medication or with upcoming PT, but I guess I'll take what I have to do to make things better. My abdominal pain is a mystery and sometimes the pain onset affects me so badly. At times I can't even eat and the nausea is horrible; yet every GI test so far is negative. My neurologist is somewhat working with me on my abdominal pain as well to see if it is correlating with my head pain. He's working around my medication to see if that will help as well; he's also a little concerned about my abrupt drop in weight which is not good.
This past Saturday, my parents and I got up to get ready to go to Richmond to spend time with my sister and her family. Our plan was to leave around 8:30 or so, By the time 8am rolled around, my Mom woke me up. I wasn't feeling well the night before; my head was hurting; my neck was hurting, my stomach was hurting, and I was so sick to my stomach....I rolled out of bed, washed up, put on some clothes, popped in my morning meds and took some Vicodin and decided I wasn't in the mood to eat anything at all. I got into the car, where I fell back to sleep until we got to Richmond (which is odd because I normally don't sleep well in the car). The entire day through Sunday none of the symptoms wore off; pain scale was a 15 out of a 10.
Today, I woke up feeling "okay" and had to do some errands with my Mom. When we got back about a little less than 2 hrs later, I immediately had to go get my pain meds. I started to cry. I told Mom I felt so hopeless that I can't even do simple errands without having pain afterwards. I felt that I was getting worse each time and not any better and it was just so frustrating. It's so depressing. I feel hopeless at time. I feel despondent. Sometimes I wonder if God ever hears my prayers of healing, of when my SSDI hearing will take place, etc.
So my heart breaks and I feel as if I loose hope. When I have no words to pray, I use songs as my prayer. Today this verse was my prayer:
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
Comments