Sickness, Sorrow, Pain, Death.....
...are felt and feared NO MORE!
Disclaimer: this has been a long thought out process for about a while, and I have eluded to these thoughts from time to time in my previous points. I hope these words encourage you. God has really been teaching me a lot over the years through His Word, through prayers, through support of family, and through much support from many of my church family.
-----------
On Thursday, (1/2/14), I had a small invasive procedure done at Augusta Health. My new pain management doctor, Dr Lee decided to try to do an abdominal block. This required an ultrasound machine and an injection of a mixture of medication to see if the medication can relax some of the muscles in the abdominal muscles. I was nicely sedated, so I didn't really feel a thing, which was a totally different experience from when the UVA residents/fellows tried this. Again, I do know that doctors start somewhere, but I also agree with Dr. Lee that skill is the key with this injection. So far, right now, I would rate my pain level between 2 or 3 when before it would daily be at a 6 or 7. Now, it is a waiting game to see how long this injection lasts for the lower abdominal area. I still have to see the GI doctor at Augusta Health to address my other abdominal issues (upper left pain and constant nausea as well that has come up again since before Thanksgiving). Dr. Lee's next step is to work on my head/neck pain. This has been another really rough thing I have been going through. Seems like every day I feel worse....head pain, neck pain, the world spinning around me. I'm hoping and PRAYING he can help me as well.
------------
I share the above just as my usual blog update and as a way into my thoughts I'm about to share. These past few months....or even these past years has been rough. In and out of doctors, specialist, procedures after procedures, surgeries, etc. Through it all, it's been rough; but God has seen me through it all.
Over time, and especially this past year, I have realized how debilitating all this sickness and pain has been affecting me or how it interferes with daily life. At certain times when I'm having a *bad* day, I've become very dependent on my parents to get me to places such as doctor's appointments (at UVA and sometimes at Augusta Health), errands, etc. At times, even my parents worry about my own safety to head out on my own. My friends and church family are wonderful support system as well. Sometimes it's rough; I've missed out on a lot of things such as gatherings with the Worship Team, gatherings at my church (Covenant Presbyterian--Harrisonburg), or even weddings.
I'm not here to complain or ask for sympathy or to point fingers at people who complain about miniscule things. I stop and think about myself as well. I often wonder if I justify my own bouts of "complaints, cries, etc" I think about myself and think of those who battle severe depression compared to my level of depression and wonder/pray "how can I encourage this person in her/his position?" I think about people who are battling other sicknesses like cancer......how can I help them or encourage them with something I never encountered? All I can do is just pray? I praise God that my NF is not the kind of tumor that carries the cancer gene; but that doesn't mean it couldn't eventually.....I pray often for my dear friends in those positions, especially those friends whom I have known for a long time. I think about those who, like me, experience chronic pain. I can sympathized AND emphasize to a degree. The reason I say this is that everyone's pain is different and one really doesn't know what one is feeling; we all can know to an extent. We all have a similar frustration when we feel *nothing* is helping the pain and all you feel like doing is to sit down and cry and wonder "Why, God, why?"
One of my favorite songs from the RUF hymnal (Reformed University Fellowship) is On Jordon's Stormy Bank's I Stand. I could not find a good Indelible Grace version on Youtube for this song, but most of you Cov-Pres folks would know the version. I would encourage any other of you to just download this song from iTunes (Indelible Grace version).
On Jordan’s stormy banks I stand,
And cast a wishful eye
To Canaan’s fair and happy land,
Where my possessions lie.
All o’er those wide extended plains,
Shines one eternal day;
There God the Son forever reigns,
And scatters night away.
Chorus: I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound for promised land,
I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound for promised land.
No chilling winds nor poisonous breath
Can reach that healthful shore;
Sickness, sorrow, pain and death,
Are felt and feared no more.(Repeat chorus)
When shall I reach that happy place,
And be forever blessed?
When shall I see my Father’s face,
And in His bosom rest?
(Repeat chorus)
One of my best friends, whom I have the pleasure of calling my "little sis", "best friend", "my fellow fighting zebra", etc etc.... we can talk to each other openly and honestly and though it doesn't take a way the physical pain, it helps the emotional pain . We can talk about anything and feel very safe with each other. There are times you just need a friend like that. Those times when I (or my friend) can feel lonely, depressed, lost, feelings of abandonment and worthlessness. Yes, these are all part of Satan's doings; with physical pain comes emotional pain. So often we talk about Rev 21. So often we talk about the ones we know who have died and have gone to Heaven. So often do we talk about that place where sickness, sorrow, pain is felt and feared no more. These feelings occur quite frequently during times like:
It stinks---
All the tests. All the procedures. All those IVs. All the surgeries. All those visits to the doctors. All the hearing of "We just don't know what is going on" All of it is frustrating. All of it stinks. All. Of. It.
Yet.....
Friends, God is Almighty and All Sovereign. All Powerful. All Justifiable. All Infallible. Best of all.....
All KNOWING and ALL LOVING.
So, while I don't know what is going on with my health issues OR you don't know what is going on with your own struggles, God knows what is going on and why you (we) are going through it. I still ask "why?" and all of us ask "why?" when something bad happens or when something we don't understand happens. It's only human. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. We won't understand perfection until we get to Heaven. We won't understand why God had us go through sorrow, sickness, pain (aside from sin) until Heaven; but then once we are in Heaven, will we care "why?" Or will we sing hallelujah and not care "why?"
I always, hear people say "God never gives us more than we can handle". I firmly DISAGREE with this. I think that God does give us more than we can handle because He wants to tests our faith in Him..... and how much we truly TRUST in Him AND how much we truly do LOVE him. God will see us through every situation (whether it is the way we want it or not); we need to just love and trust in God's sovereign will.
So, pain or no pain, suffering or no suffering, sorrow or no sorrow, death or no death-- may we all stand on Jordan's Stormy Banks and cast a wishful eye till we meet in that Happy Place where we will feel NO MORE earthly feelings; but just the love of God and His arms wrapped ever so tightly around us. May we not just continue to stand on the banks of Jordan, but imagine what it will be like once we meet Jesus' face.
Grace to you my friends.
Disclaimer: this has been a long thought out process for about a while, and I have eluded to these thoughts from time to time in my previous points. I hope these words encourage you. God has really been teaching me a lot over the years through His Word, through prayers, through support of family, and through much support from many of my church family.
-----------
On Thursday, (1/2/14), I had a small invasive procedure done at Augusta Health. My new pain management doctor, Dr Lee decided to try to do an abdominal block. This required an ultrasound machine and an injection of a mixture of medication to see if the medication can relax some of the muscles in the abdominal muscles. I was nicely sedated, so I didn't really feel a thing, which was a totally different experience from when the UVA residents/fellows tried this. Again, I do know that doctors start somewhere, but I also agree with Dr. Lee that skill is the key with this injection. So far, right now, I would rate my pain level between 2 or 3 when before it would daily be at a 6 or 7. Now, it is a waiting game to see how long this injection lasts for the lower abdominal area. I still have to see the GI doctor at Augusta Health to address my other abdominal issues (upper left pain and constant nausea as well that has come up again since before Thanksgiving). Dr. Lee's next step is to work on my head/neck pain. This has been another really rough thing I have been going through. Seems like every day I feel worse....head pain, neck pain, the world spinning around me. I'm hoping and PRAYING he can help me as well.
------------
I share the above just as my usual blog update and as a way into my thoughts I'm about to share. These past few months....or even these past years has been rough. In and out of doctors, specialist, procedures after procedures, surgeries, etc. Through it all, it's been rough; but God has seen me through it all.
Over time, and especially this past year, I have realized how debilitating all this sickness and pain has been affecting me or how it interferes with daily life. At certain times when I'm having a *bad* day, I've become very dependent on my parents to get me to places such as doctor's appointments (at UVA and sometimes at Augusta Health), errands, etc. At times, even my parents worry about my own safety to head out on my own. My friends and church family are wonderful support system as well. Sometimes it's rough; I've missed out on a lot of things such as gatherings with the Worship Team, gatherings at my church (Covenant Presbyterian--Harrisonburg), or even weddings.
I'm not here to complain or ask for sympathy or to point fingers at people who complain about miniscule things. I stop and think about myself as well. I often wonder if I justify my own bouts of "complaints, cries, etc" I think about myself and think of those who battle severe depression compared to my level of depression and wonder/pray "how can I encourage this person in her/his position?" I think about people who are battling other sicknesses like cancer......how can I help them or encourage them with something I never encountered? All I can do is just pray? I praise God that my NF is not the kind of tumor that carries the cancer gene; but that doesn't mean it couldn't eventually.....I pray often for my dear friends in those positions, especially those friends whom I have known for a long time. I think about those who, like me, experience chronic pain. I can sympathized AND emphasize to a degree. The reason I say this is that everyone's pain is different and one really doesn't know what one is feeling; we all can know to an extent. We all have a similar frustration when we feel *nothing* is helping the pain and all you feel like doing is to sit down and cry and wonder "Why, God, why?"
One of my favorite songs from the RUF hymnal (Reformed University Fellowship) is On Jordon's Stormy Bank's I Stand. I could not find a good Indelible Grace version on Youtube for this song, but most of you Cov-Pres folks would know the version. I would encourage any other of you to just download this song from iTunes (Indelible Grace version).
On Jordan’s stormy banks I stand,
And cast a wishful eye
To Canaan’s fair and happy land,
Where my possessions lie.
All o’er those wide extended plains,
Shines one eternal day;
There God the Son forever reigns,
And scatters night away.
Chorus: I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound for promised land,
I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound for promised land.
No chilling winds nor poisonous breath
Can reach that healthful shore;
Sickness, sorrow, pain and death,
Are felt and feared no more.(Repeat chorus)
When shall I reach that happy place,
And be forever blessed?
When shall I see my Father’s face,
And in His bosom rest?
(Repeat chorus)
One of my best friends, whom I have the pleasure of calling my "little sis", "best friend", "my fellow fighting zebra", etc etc.... we can talk to each other openly and honestly and though it doesn't take a way the physical pain, it helps the emotional pain . We can talk about anything and feel very safe with each other. There are times you just need a friend like that. Those times when I (or my friend) can feel lonely, depressed, lost, feelings of abandonment and worthlessness. Yes, these are all part of Satan's doings; with physical pain comes emotional pain. So often we talk about Rev 21. So often we talk about the ones we know who have died and have gone to Heaven. So often do we talk about that place where sickness, sorrow, pain is felt and feared no more. These feelings occur quite frequently during times like:
- going through medical tests after medical tests; with negative results (which is good in a way); that doesn't show anything that the doctor is specially looking for
- going in for a procedure that the doctors recommended and realizing it lasts for a short while or not at all
- Having those "routine" procedures and "knowing the drill"
It stinks---
All the tests. All the procedures. All those IVs. All the surgeries. All those visits to the doctors. All the hearing of "We just don't know what is going on" All of it is frustrating. All of it stinks. All. Of. It.
Yet.....
Friends, God is Almighty and All Sovereign. All Powerful. All Justifiable. All Infallible. Best of all.....
All KNOWING and ALL LOVING.
So, while I don't know what is going on with my health issues OR you don't know what is going on with your own struggles, God knows what is going on and why you (we) are going through it. I still ask "why?" and all of us ask "why?" when something bad happens or when something we don't understand happens. It's only human. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. We won't understand perfection until we get to Heaven. We won't understand why God had us go through sorrow, sickness, pain (aside from sin) until Heaven; but then once we are in Heaven, will we care "why?" Or will we sing hallelujah and not care "why?"
I always, hear people say "God never gives us more than we can handle". I firmly DISAGREE with this. I think that God does give us more than we can handle because He wants to tests our faith in Him..... and how much we truly TRUST in Him AND how much we truly do LOVE him. God will see us through every situation (whether it is the way we want it or not); we need to just love and trust in God's sovereign will.
So, pain or no pain, suffering or no suffering, sorrow or no sorrow, death or no death-- may we all stand on Jordan's Stormy Banks and cast a wishful eye till we meet in that Happy Place where we will feel NO MORE earthly feelings; but just the love of God and His arms wrapped ever so tightly around us. May we not just continue to stand on the banks of Jordan, but imagine what it will be like once we meet Jesus' face.
Grace to you my friends.
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