Tears of the Heart; Tears in the Eyes

My blog has been quiet for almost a month.   In some ways, there really hasn't been much to update; in some ways, there are so many things I can share but I just don't know how to put it into words.  

Since my last update, needless to say, there still isn't any answer to my increasing pain and new unexplained pains.  The tests are coming back negative and I'm being sent to an endocrinologist for further evaluation because my cortisol levels are low.   I continue to fight fatigue and pain everyday as well as continued discouragement and depression on a daily basis. 

My last pain block did not help but just for two days for some reason; that was a huge disappointment.  It seemed as if the whole month of February was a "KA-PLUK" for me.  High pain levels....but not just that, I was also sick most of the time; I was restless most nights, woke up in night sweats, running low grade fevers, nausea, not much appetite, etc.  It was a loosing battle for me----at least that is how I felt.   I try so hard to feel comfort in this song:

I talked to my Pain Management doctor, Dr Lee about my injection back in February, and we are going to try another injection with a different medication.   This is set for this Tuesday, the 18th. We are hoping it will work. Hopefully, it will work, but there are still other steps to look to as well. My head and neck spasms/pain are continually giving me pain and it is to the point that I'm not happy with continually taking Vicodin; it just not working well; and Dr Lee isn't really to thrilled about it either.  Both my UVA neurologist and Pain Management doctor is conferring with each other and seeing what is the best treatment option for now as we wait to get my abdominal pain under control first. 

Emotionally, this time of year/month has been rough......well actually, it's been rough for the past year because I've never really gotten over my grandmother's death.  It will almost be a year since she has passed away.  My parents and I are going to New York to visit both set of grandparents grave; it's interesting how in Chinese custom the "yearly tradition" of visiting loved ones graves falls near the Lent Season, although Chinese does not celebrate that holiday.  Our family hasn't done this "tradition" for a long time, and have usually asked relatives to buy flowers and place it on the tombstone for us.  This year, we will be making that trip up there in lieu of my grandmothers first anniversary of her death.  I can already feel my heart race and my eyes well up with tears.  It's going to be so tough for me.   

I continue to remind myself that through the tears and pain or through the laughter or kindness, each situation should bring me on my knees to the Heavenly Father.